Online Therapy

The following is for parents and carers who wish to learn more about:

• how to discipline a child effectively;

• how to stop sibling aggression;

• how to deal with antisocial behaviour;

• how to deal with bullying, and;

• how to resolve conflict effectively.

 

Many of the practical strategies contained below are useful for helping your child learn how to manage his/her feelings, behave in appropriate ways, and learn non-aggressive alternatives for dealing with conflict.

The following covers a range of ages and developmental stages up to early adolescence. While most of the underlying principles are relevant across the ages, parents will need to find age appropriate ways of explaining, teaching and reinforcing these principles.

 

• Dealing with children who fight

• Fighting between siblings

• Wrestling and tumbling

• Angry fights

• Aggressive behaviour in children

• Dangerous behaviour in children

• Children protecting themselves

• Bullying

• Teaching children about conflict resolution

• Resources

 

Dealing with children who fight

A common concern for parents is how to deal with children who fight or use aggression towards other children, most often towards their siblings. It is normal for children to have disagreements and conflict; people have different needs, wants and ways of doing things, this is what makes them unique. How children handle the conflicts, however, is where problems can arise.

 

Fighting between siblings

Parents can be concerned about the high levels of aggression and violence they see between their own children, even starting at quite an early age. This can be particularly distressing when the children involved seem to play well with their friends. It is helpful to remember that feelings between siblings are often more intense than in other contexts. A positive way of seeing this is to consider that sibling interactions offer you an insight into how your children cope when pushed to the limit, or when they are under extreme pressure. Sibling interactions offer parents the opportunity to help their children learn the social and emotional management skills they need. Parents can use these fights to help children learn to manage their strong emotions and to learn more effective conflict resolution skills.

 

Wrestling and tumbling

It is normal for many children to want to wrestle and tumble with each other. Wrestling and tumbling are different from using violence. Parents can teach children how to wrestle and tumble in a safe way.

 

Join in a wrestling game with them, or supervise their wrestling games and teach them to look for warning signs in themselves or the other person that show when the game is getting out of control and when they should stop (for example the wrestling is getting stronger, the child is feeling anxious, children are starting to try to hurt each other, the other person looks scared or angry, a child’s voice changes to a shriek, the laughing and smiling stops, the child’s face hardens or changes to determined or angry).

 

Make up rules for safe wrestling like ‘no biting/scratching/hitting/pinching/pulling hair/throwing things/kicking, and get children to agree to them. Supervise to ensure rules are adhered to.

 

Agree on signals for stopping when the game ceases to be fun for one or other of the children, such as the game ending when one person calls out STOP, or bangs on the floor three times.

 

Have relevant consequences in place for when the rules are broken, such as going to time out to calm down.

 

Teach children that it is also okay not to want to participate in this sort of physical play.

 

Angry fights

Often parents worry about their children fighting in an aggressive way. Children who often do this need constant and vigilant supervision by adults to help break this cycle or pattern. Adults should watch the child and intervene when they see the child starting to get aggressive, so that they can help the child become aware of what is happening.

 

Parents can help children to:

• become aware of their body signals that tell them that they are getting upset;

• learn strategies to help calm themselves down; and

• plan how to negotiate with their playmates so that the game can continue.

 

Aggressive behaviour in children

Some children, usually in the pre-school years, bite or kick other children. Often they behave this way because of frustration or curiosity, but it can be distressing for the children and adults involved.

 

Parents can help children learn alternative behaviours in a number of ways by:

• comforting the child who was hurt and giving minimal attention to the child who was the aggressor;

• explaining in simple, clear language that biting/kicking is not okay; and

• reminding the child to use appropriate words to ask for what he or she wants rather than using aggression. If the child is unable to express him or herself clearly, the parent can suggest specific words and phrases and help the child to learn the words, such as instructing the child to ask ‘Please can I have the ball?’.

 

Sometimes parents can become concerned about how aggressively their child behaves despite the work they have been doing to help the child behave differently. In this situation, many parents have found it useful to seek professional help for themselves and their child.

 

Dangerous behaviour in children

Sometimes parents have to deal with situations where their child is engaged in, or repeatedly engages in, behaviour that is potentially life threatening, such as poking things into power sockets or running across the road.

 

A parent’s first responsibility is to prevent the child from coming to harm through:

• close and careful supervision;

• creating a safe physical environment by child-proofing the house and garden, using safety locks and power-point covers, child-proofing fences and gates as appropriate; and

• ensuring other carers are aware of the risks and how to prevent them.

 

Next, the parent needs to teach the child the rules of behaving safely and ensure that the rules are kept.

• Explain the rules in simple language. For a child who is pre-verbal, a simple ‘no’, or ‘stop’ might suffice. Children who are learning to speak can deal with more specific instructions.

• Tell the child exactly what you want them to do instead. For example ‘When we get to the kerb I want you to stop walking and hold my hand’.

• Rehearse the new behaviour many times with the child, either through role-play at home, or in real life.

• For slightly older children (aged two or three and upwards), explain what will happen if they don’t remember the rule. Logical consequences are most appropriate at this stage.

 

Some children with symptoms of hyperactivity, impulsivity and/or inattention might repeatedly engage in dangerous behaviour and have difficulty learning to manage their behaviour and be safe. If these problems are severe enough, a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) may be made. Some children who often act in a disobedient, defiant and difficult way may have symptoms severe enough to warrant a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Parents may need to seek the support of a psychologist trained in the diagnosis, treatment and management of children with ADHD, ADD, or ODD.

 

Children protecting themselves

Children need to be able to protect themselves, which is different from using violence aggressively.

 

Useful strategies for self-protection include:

• standing up tall;

• looking the person being aggressive in the eye; and

• saying ‘stop hurting me’ (‘pushing me, hitting me’, etc) in a strong, confident way.

 

Parents need to help children to practice dealing with situations they find difficult. They need to give children feedback on whether they are getting their message across assertively and coach them until they are both happy with their skills.

 

Teaching children about conflict resolution

It is possible for a child to learn how to sort out problems in a way that makes everybody happy. Often though, people deal with conflict aggressively, and try to convince other people that their way is the best by force or argument. Good conflict resolution skills do not seem to be used in most of the conflicts we see or hear about, (such as in the family home, in films and on television, in the school yard, on the news). However there are excellent ways of dealing with conflict that lead to a peaceful solution.

 

The following steps are useful in helping children find peaceful ways of solving problems with other people. You can change the way you ask the questions depending on the age of the child, but the general steps are the same for all ages.

 

• Begin by letting children know that it is possible to find a good solution. Parents could say something like: “I’m sure if we all think about this we might find a way of everyone getting what they want”.

• Help children identify how they are feeling, and help them to label and express their emotions. (eg ‘You’re looking cross – I’m wondering if you’re feeling cross, but also a bit sad and hurt, that you can’t join in their game).

• Help children to work out what they really want by asking them what they would like to have happen. Help them to work out what the underlying need is, (eg ‘You say you wish your friend would go away. I’m wondering if you are also wishing that you could help the group build the cubby’).

• Help your child to understand the other person’s point of view and to learn how to take their perspective. Ask them what they think the other person might be feeling, or how they might feel if they were in the same situation. You could get them to ask the other person to say how they are feeling and what they would like to have happen.

• Together, you could encourage the children to brainstorm different ways that they could solve the problem. Encourage them to come up with several different and interesting ways that they could go about it.

• Help the children to choose the options that they think work best for everyone, and get them to have a go at putting them into practice. Stay around to see how they get on, and help them fine-tune the solution if needed.

• Reading children books that teach conflict resolution skills through stories can also be helpful.